As our time here comes to an end I have been reflecting on this experience and what I have learned, including many things I was wrong about, many judgements I made, and many assumptions I had.
When we planned to travel with our children we wanted to not only visit neat places but also make a difference by volunteering our time and skills. We signed up for this journey to Belize intending to do just that- help people manage waste, and learn to garden, and share our ideas. Wouldn't it be great, we thought, to go somewhere where they have less, to show our kids how other people live, and to help people have better lives. I assumed they wanted our help, they needed our help. Why wouldn't they if they were poor?
When we arrived we saw the people live in houses built of sticks or sheet metal, they have outhouses without toilet seats, the cook beans in an outdoor kitchen on the fire, they have chickens and dogs roaming free, they often don't have high school education, the list goes on. And I admit, I assumed they needed change. I assumed they would be better off if they had the things they lacked. This was my mistake, and a common one for aide workers everywhere. Sirolli- author of Ripples from the Zambezi- says this assumption that 'our way' works better and that others who don't have 'our way' would be better off if they did is THE critical issue plaguing aide operations around the world. I have to agree. You see, these people are people, just like you and me. They have hopes and dreams and families. They laugh and cry and work and change. They have tremendous value, and the way they live their lives also has tremendous value that is often dismissed when we (as aide workers) assume they could be better off with our help.
I've found sometimes when you believe someone needs help you begin viewing that person differently, as 'helpless' or 'not strong enough.' Once this occurs it is difficult to appreciate their value as a capable person and even more difficult to be open to learning things from THEM. This feels awful if you are the person being 'helped.' I think we all have experienced this kind of well-meaning assistance (probably from a family member :). So what is real help?
My current theory is that REAL help comes from understanding, and real understanding comes from non-judgement, and non-judgement comes from not making assumptions, and not making assumptions comes from the realization that 'we are all one', which in this case I translate as 'you have value, I have value.' Got that? Sounds like Buddhist logic to me :) But think about it- if you looked at everyone as if the had value (same as yours), you could not make assumptions about their lives or whether or not they had value. And if you didn't make an assumption about how they were, you would not have to judge that assumption. And if you did not judge them, you would be able to be open to their unique life and situation. And if you could be open to this, they would share it with you, and you would understand. And if you understood their life and their perspective (through their inherent value,) you would understand how you could truly be of service to them.
This is compassion.
Now I understand. What power this holds! Just think what change could come from this! Stop for a minute and just imagine someone seeing YOUR inherent value and not making assumptions or judging you but truly trying to hear and understand you so they can be of service. Just imaging that feels nice, doesn't it? I bet you have a smile on your face right now like I do. This is REAL help.
So how does one put this into action?
First, try to remember the value inherent in everyone.
Second, avoid assumptions. These people here in Belize live differently than we do. It was wrong of me to assume that my neighbor lived in a three-walled house because she was too poor to build a 'better' house. Luckily, this assumption did not hinder me from discovering the truth- It is HOT here! Who wants to cook inside? Why not have your hammock outside with your TV and dining table? It's nice to be out in the cooler breeze!
Third, do not judge. Again, I apologize to my friend for assuming she was poor because of her house and then judging her, saying to myself 'Well, if only they wouldn't spend their money on TV, then they'd have enough money to live in a better house, Like I Do.' Do you see how this sort of thinking is so devisive? Do you hear the 'you are helpless, you need MY help' which infers what? That's right- 'I am better than you.' Or 'My way is better than yours.' Nobody likes this. It feels icky. Try to avoid judgement because it puts people on different levels, and if you are on different levels it is incredibly difficult to see the inherent value and sameness of the other.
Fourth, listen closely. Be open to another perspective and remember it has value. Put yourself in the other person's shoes for a moment and enjoy it. These people here in Belize enjoy life differently than I do. They have their extended families all in the same neighborhood. They cook amazing meals outdoors over the fire. They hang their wash to dry in the sun. Once I began to crush my assumptions and give up my judgements I began to see the amazing lives they have here. My friend and neighbor told me she likes visitors because she likes to show them how Belizeans enjoy this village. I was lucky enough to have her share her stories and life with me these past few weeks and am extremely grateful for having the opportunity to know her. I am glad I began to listen closely, for now I have a deeper, more intimate understanding of this village and my friend's life.
Fifth, have compassion to support change. Thich Nhat Hahn says Compassion is understanding life in someone elses shoes so intimately that you are compelled to do something. Once you have a deep understanding of someone it becomes more clear how you can be of service. For my neighbor, she doesn't need a fourth wall for the house. What she needs is support in being a young mother and encouragement to move forward with her dream to build a restaraunt to sell her World Class Fried Chicken. (I can tell you, her fried chicken is definitely worth a trip to Belize!) If I would have let my assumptions and judgements drive my action she might have had a closed in (hot) kitchen and a dream she felt was impossible. Hopefully her chicken will be on the menu here soon. ;)
In conclusion, I dare you all to catch yourselves 'helping' today and see if you can practice instead listening closely to the people around you. Remind yourself they are valuable. You just might learn something.
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